I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
