i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
