The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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