My room smells like vodka and shame
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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