That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
