my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
