So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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