you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
