worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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