how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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