sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
