Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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