My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
