Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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