Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
