wakey wakey hands off snakey
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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