it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
