im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
