seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
