Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
