Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Randomize
