he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
