masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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