she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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