Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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