The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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