did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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