oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
