And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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