just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I currently don't understand fingers.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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