So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
