Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
