My room smells like vodka and shame
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
tell me about the eggs
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