dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
