I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I queefed so loud it echoed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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