I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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