nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
did i just pee glitter
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
