I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
