I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
