Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
