Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
