so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
