I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
