I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
