Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
