can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
