not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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