I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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