then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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