Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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